Sunday, February 27, 2011
It seems strange and alien to actually have some hope but this last couple of days I have felt the hope that things for me might one day not be so awful. Don't get me wrong I am still struggling an awful lot. I have to go back to work on Monday after being told to take the last week off because I was so bad and the truth is I don't want to go back I want to stay off work in my own little bubble, if only I had the money! But I don't so somehow I have to put the face on and go in to work and it is so exhausting. But still I do feel that there is hope that things might possibly get a little easier in time. I've been struggling for so long with the logical part of my brain that tells me that it was never your fault, no means no, this is what I have been brought up to believe but the me that I am now..the R victim blames herself and is disgusted at herself for letting this happen. This is what I'm battling with, the part of my brain that on one level knows that if I take myself out of the situation and looks at it will say that I did everything I could and then there's the R victim part of me that says you should have done more or you shouldn't have done this or you brought it on yourself and I still don't know which part will win all I know is that I want my life back. I miss my old life and I hate what my life is now. Still it's nice to have a bit of hope for a change.