Friday, March 4, 2011

Not worthy

My heads all over the place this week. I don't know what's going on. I'm having crazy dreams and awful nightmares. I know this is my subconscious trying to process but it is crazy. I'm exhausted today and I feel overwhelmed with sadness and I don't know why. One minute I'm laughing the next minute I feel like crying. In my therapy session this week we spoke about my feelings of self worth. I have always felt unworthy of peoples respect or friendship or love so I had to be the best of everything, the best worker, daughter, sister, friend and even victim. My therapist asked if these feelings would have anything to do with what led me to be in a situation where  I was vulnerable.  

You see this guy came on to me and I went with it and this led to us being on our own where he took advantage. Now I know that what he did was criminal but if I had more confidence in myself would I have needed to be flattered by a guy coming on to me and therefore would I have let myself get into a situation where I could be raped? This is something that has been in the back of my mind since it happened and it was very hard to admit this out loud and since I've just had this overwhelming sadness that if I didn't feel this way about myself then it might not have happened. It's very hard to accept. 

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