Reaching Out

Why is it so hard to reach out to people who I love, who I have grown up with. These people I would do anything for but when it comes to me needing them to be there for me I feel I don't deserve it. How messed up is that, ridiculous, I am sick of feeling this way about myself. I had some amazingly helpful comments to my previous posts which led me to send the following email to those close to me:

Hello everyone,

So I've been doing this blog thing and am receiving a surprising and heartwarming response to it. It's a blog to share my thoughts about what happened to me and to put it out there in the world wide web and who knows maybe it might help someone someday. Don't go looking for it you'll never find it, it's anonymous  

Anyways on Sunday night/Monday morning I was pretty low and posted on my blog at about 6:30am when I was exhausted from the lack of sleep and feeling a bit crazy from it. The posting received an overwhelming reaction and loads of people who I will never know posted comments of support and also some tips to help me get a bit of hope in to me when I'm at my lowest. One of the tips was to reach out to the people I needed to and I'm not very good at that. Most of you know that I've made myself a bit of the Mammy of the gang and am used to minding everyone else but I have no idea how to mind myself and be kind to myself, that is a whole new learning for me. 

The suggestion was that if I didn't feel comfortable speaking about what I feel to those close to me then to email it so here I am. It's a bit corny but f**k it I'm desperate to get my head on straight and get my life back to some form of normality. So I'm going to write a couple of things in a list (ha ha me and my lists!) just to share with you and nothing else. I'm not expecting nor do I need for anyone to come to do anything from this, only I can build myself back up, if you feel like sending something back then do but your not under an obligation, it just struck me that some of you might be wondering how I am and not have a clue but strangers in the world do know. Your my friends and my family so I just wanted to share with you because your important to me  . 

Right, here we go...

Where I'm at now:

Pretty low.

Off work again 

Anxious

Have jaw pain 

Scared 

Determined

Confused 

Focused on getting better. 

Not getting better fast enough

What I do know

That what happened was a crime 

FD  deserves what's coming and alot more

That I'm very lucky to have the support that I have

That I'm not ok but I will be. 

What I'm afraid of:

Losing my job

Having no control over what I feel and when

Not having the life that I wanted. 

Never properly enjoying sex again 

Buckling under the pressure

What I want

A time machine  only messing!! 

To stop the cycle of being ok for a while and then crumbling

To be good at my job again  

For you know who in work to stop pouring her life's problems on me 

To get rid of the jaw pain 

To buy a camper van and travel around Ireland/Europe in it and pull up and random beaches, swim and learn to surf 

To stop blaming and hating myself 

A house and a family with 2.5 kids and a mini van.

To get me back, shur I'm only unreal shur! 

To look him  in the eye and ask him  why and then smack him  over the head with a baseball bat (not really, I'm too much of a pacifist).   

So now there we have it, not asking much. Thanks so much for reading, hope you aren't thinking oh lord she's finally cracked  I haven't quite the opposite, it's just something I need to do. 

Talk to you soon

x