Monday, June 13, 2011

I was so scared

I don't know if it's because I got the decision from the DPP or if it's a result of therapy but I can't stop thinking about what happened and what I felt while it was happening. I keep getting flashbacks of both what was going on and what I was feeling at the time. I was so scared. So confused. I didn't know what to do or what was happening, it didn't register that it was rape, I just knew I wanted it to stop, I wanted the pain to stop. I wish I reacted differently, if I had would I have gotten away and saved myself from all this heartache? Why didn't I scream? Why was I so afraid of being embarrassed or being a 'drama queen'. My mind was racing so much, I remember thinking don't scream, don't over-react, this isn't happening all the while feeling so scared and thinking if this isn't happening then why am I so scared? And I could hear my phone going off and knew it was my friend looking for me. I knew she would be worried, she knows it isn't like me to wonder off for so long, but he wouldn't let me answer my phone, he pushed it out of my reach and pinned me down. I was so scared. My mind was screaming STOP STOP STOP but it only came out in a whisper, a quiet pleading stop stop stop over and over again while trying to squirm away from him because what he was doing was so painful, but I couldn't get away he held me down. I couldn't get away so I stopped fighting and he did what he did while my phone kept ringing and ringing.

4 comments:

  1. I found this hard to read but i am proud of you for writing down some of the details and i can relate to a lot of what you experienced and what was going through your mind. Despite what was happening to me i never once thought the word 'rape' in fact when it came down to it my thought was 'omg hes going to have to sex with me' the word rape never even entered my mind. It was all just confusion, blankness, fear and the desire to try and get away. The horrors of what happened to you are huge. Dealing with that must seem like the most impossible mountain climb, but i assure you even though the mountain is very high...it is not impossible!

    X

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  2. Thanks Pinks,

    It was all going around and around in my head and I had to get it out before I went mad. After I posted it I read back over it and found it hard myself, I considered deleting the post but I thought well this is my blog and this is how it is for us so leave it there. Thanks for your comments, knowing that I'm not alone really helps. Hoe your doing ok x

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  3. shock and trauma what you were experiencing, the mind is a funny tool. What happened to you was horrendous so no wonder your mind could not act rationally. I always think about deleting posts after I see them in words, its all about feeling vulnerable, but you are doing just great. (((hugs)))

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  4. Thank you for speaking out about what happened to you. You are brave to do so, many would want to hide, but you have taken a good path to healing.
    I hope the nightmares subside as your brain proceess the trauma.
    I wish you well on your journey of recovery & the tender nurturing you deserve.
    @sheepfoldcarer

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