Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Where is my mind

I can't seem to shake this feeling of sadness this week. There's a lot of things swirling around in my head. Things from the last almost 11 months. A lot of things that I was too numb to feel at the time. My cousin died a couple of months after I was raped. It was very sudden and unexpected. I barely remember his funeral. Today was the first time I cried for him. Life has been going on around me for months, good and bad things but I can barely remember it. It's like I've been living in a dream all this time and only have snapshots of the dream. Like everything that's been going on was happening to someone else. Small things like going to the shop for milk or visiting my grandfather in hospital, it was like it was someone else doing that and not me.

Someone else was raped, someone else lost their promotion, someone else had to take 3 months off work, all of it was someone else. My mind went somewhere else the night I was raped and it feels like it's only starting to come back now.

And as the reality of my life slowly starts to dawn on me I feel myself minimizing what happened. I catch myself thinking, well it wasn't that bad, you are making a bigger deal of it than it was, but then I think well how come it's affected me so badly then?

I feel like I've taken steps backwards, I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm hiding in my room and I just feel really really sad. Maybe this is all part of it, a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

2 comments:

  1. This is all part of the process.

    It's almost like denial, one of the stages of grief. And maybe it is denial in some way.

    I compare denial to standing waist deep in the ocean. For a while, all is well, then a giant wave of reality knocks me over, sometimes washes me ashore. Yet, I stand back up and once again all is well for a while until the next big wave.

    Does this make sense? This is just how it feels for me.

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  2. I could have written this post! i am going through exactly the same thing and i would describe it the way pastor sharon has. Things are 'fine' for a while whilst in denial, i mean im not fine, but im so numb im able to continue to life pretty well, literally like a walking zombie drifting through life. Then im hit with a wave and a swarm of emotions overtake leaving me unable to do anything.

    I too keep finding myself minimising. I've been so frustrated i haven't woke up from reality yet but i'm realising its me thats keeping myself asleep. I think i don't want to face it, so for now i'll just keep running i guess.

    I just wanted to share how i've been feeling so you know your not alone xx

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