Thursday, June 30, 2011

Strong enough to fall apart

As you can tell from previous posts I am struggling a lot right now. I am having the worst nightmares I have ever had, the feelings from the nightmares stay with me for the rest of the day. I've been afraid to go asleep because I'm so afraid of what I might dream. I wake up screaming. Mostly the dreams are random. A bunch of very random, violent dreams but the feeling is always the same, I'm always terrified. It's hard to shake that off once you wake up.

I spoke to my therapist today about it and she somehow managed to turn it in to a positive. Basically, I am now mentally stronger which allows my mind to process more details of the full horror of the attack and the aftermath. Whilst I'm glad to be making another mini step forward I'm still scared of where this might lead. I'm scared all the time now, I have a constant feeling of panic, the jaw tension pain is back. I'm now getting nose bleeds. I thought as you moved forward things were supposed to get easier but apparently not. Fantastic! Just when you think your starting to come to terms with what happened you realize, eh no actually now the real fun begins. Now you really have to work hard to stay afloat. Great! Fun times ahead for me.

All this said, I am glad that I'm making steps forward even if it is making me feel so awful at least I'm not stuck    in the hell that is numbness. I am finally feeling something real. I'm still in there somewhere.


  1. I am sorry for your pain. Healing has been a long process for has been grieving the loss of what was taken from me.
    I still feel pain, although it is not as intense. But, like you I would not want to return to the numbness; the not feeling anything...kind of like not being a real person. More like being a robot. It takes a very strong person to start feeling again. The title of your post is very accurate. My thoughts are with you . Take care.

  2. I am so glad that I got the time to visit you and read your latest blog post because it has given me an answer for my youngest child who has been refusing to go to sleep because of nightmares these last couple of days and I was worried that he was getting worse not better. The body has its own way of healing maybe releasing during sleep is its way of protecting you. Be strong you are doing great! (((hugs)))

  3. Thanks Interruption for your kind words.

    M4J I'm so glad that you got something good out of my post, people close to me were worried that I was going backwards but it didn't feel that way to me but at the same time I was very scared as I didn't know what was happening, talking it through with my therapist and realizing that it's actually a good thing has given me some peace, I hope it has for you too, it's clear that your are doing the right things for your child. Be very proud of that, I can't tell you how much it will mean to your children now and when they are older. (((Hugs back))) x

  4. Welcome. . . I say, as you come home to your heart. This is what it feels like to face the real, the horrific and yet there truly is. . .
    I promise you. . . there truly is a silver lining.

    Don't lose hope now. You are gaining ground and coming home to your heart.

    ♥Big Hugs

  5. Im sorry things are so tough for you right now but what your therapist said makes sense. This is you moving forward, your now starting to deal with and process that trauma, without realising it your doing amazing work! I am sorry your going through a bad time and please don't take this the wrong way (As it sounds very strange) but im actually jealous reading this. I feel so numb and stuck and lifeless i'd give anything to feel again, to be processing, to be dealing with it all. This sounds so odd because your having a hard time with it all...

    oh dear i do hope that made sense!
    Take care, and just remember after a nightmare, 'just breathe' :)