So when I started writing this blog it was so that I would have a place where I can say the things that are going through my head. Last night I couldn't sleep. At about 6 this morning I gave up, at this point I was exhausted and all I wanted was some peace. I wrote a letter to my friends and family and downed some tablets. After a few minutes I got freaked out and made myself vomit.
I'm so useless I can't even kill myself properly. I never thought it was possible to hate yourself this much.
Of course the whole reason I feel this way is because I had sex at the weekend, yes sex with my friend. A friend who is very important to me and I happen to share a house with him, now things are awkward and I feel like a slut and it's also making me have flashbacks to the night I was raped and I don't want to associate my friend with that.
I'm afraid of how low I am.
Hey, I hope you have people watching over you? If you're feeling suicidal please call The Samaritans they'll help - they helped me several times.
ReplyDeleteI regret only one thing in my life, attempting suicide, also with pills. In hindsight it was cowardly and caused so much pain to others who cared about me - even if I didn't know it at the time.
Stay strong.
Andrew
You're not useless and you're not a slut, you're a survivor who is brave enough to show the world your story. I pray you will find peace and know that there is hope and healing for you, because you are so valuable and precious.
ReplyDeleteyou are not alone!! These feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts are common for rape survivors. I'm a survivor of sexual assault and I know the journey from victim, survivor, to thriver isn't always easy - but there is hope!!! Don't give up!!! You can make it through - I'll keep u in my prayers, you are not alone!! There is a lot of help out there - you owe it to yourself and those you love to seek professional help. Please. I did and it helped me so much. Love and Light, angela rose
ReplyDeletehere are two resources:
ReplyDeleteIn the U.S., call 18002738255 for the suicide prevention lifeline and RAINN.org has a 24\7 hotline and web chat for rape survivors. Seek help, you are worth it. It is not your fault. Love and Light.
As a survivor myself I too have made mistakes that I wanted to die over. Fortunately for me, you and many others we were able to find the strength, courage and hope to go on in spite of what felt like overwhelming pain and shame at the time. You are not a bad person and this would be a very very good time for you to reach out to a support line so that they can help you through this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteTake exquisite care of yourself, you deserve it ;)
Stephen Macdonald
After my abuse happened I became very aggressive sexually. This was something I had buried with drugs and alcohol until my mid twenties when I had found the rooms of AA. It has taken a while, but I have found forgiveness and the ability to forgive one day at a time. Life does get better, but only if you hang in there long enough to find out. peace and love.
ReplyDeleteWithin the words you wrote I see a real person. I see you being real such a rare sight in this fake world and I would know After being raped at 12 I pretended everything was fine. Seems like I came the closest to fooling myself everybody who knew me seemed to know something was amiss. You are touching yourself and your pain I pray you live longenough to feel the gain. Memories might not go away but what we do , how we feel, how we live can change, give yourself that chance if not for you do it for me I care about us both.
ReplyDeleteI honestly do not see where you made any mistake with the decisions you made over the weekend. I am a male survivor of rape and I have done the very same things you just did with your friend many times and have also many times felt like a male slut. It was my way of confirming my own masculinity that I was indeed not gay just because these men raped me at gunpoint as an adult. I finally got to the point one day that I was able to convince myself that the decisions I made were not "mistakes" but just a part of the healing process. I stopped believing in the saying that so many live by "you learn from your mistakes" because all it does is brings you down and makes you feel like utter crap the way you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how awkward it is and if this person is a true friend to you, he will understand. If you can sit down and share with him how you are feeling which is the awkwardness and then rationale beyond why you made the choices you did over the weekend, it might ease things a little for you.
Believe me, I know that this stuff is not easy one bit and boils down to being "easier said than done" but even though I don't know you as a person, I know you as one survivor to another that you can do it. I as well as so many others would agree with me by saying, "We Got Your Back!"
Lastly, PLEASE do take advantage of every opportunity out there that others have mentioned in terms of who you can reach out to. They would not have mentioned these resources if they didn't believe in it themselves as a survivor.
Please look for help, contact woman aid or a counselor, please dont give up. Fight fight fight... one day, believe me, you look back and you will be glad that you didnt gave up. Life is worth it and you are worth it.
ReplyDeleteI beat myself up all the time for being human. I have needs, I have feelings, I have impulses that aren't always healthy, sometimes I say things that aren't what I mean, sometimes I feel insecure, or sad, or lonely, or angry. And then I beat myself up over all of these things as if somehow I am supposed to be better than everyone else, because everyone else I know has these same troubles at times. Why do we do this to ourselves, expect ourselves to live to a standard that is above what the rest of the human race lives up to? It's like we are trying to make up for something, but it is futile and only keeps us from living our lives.
ReplyDeletePlease take it easy on yourself, be gentle with yourself. Know that you are just a person like everyone else, and you will sometimes do things you won't like in hindsight but that is ok.
It's hard for us to learn self love. Letting go of impossible standards is something that is going to help get us there.
Give yourself a hug and tell yourself it's ok. :)
Carla Logan,
a fellow survivor trying to learn all of this stuff too!
Thanks everyone for your comments, I'm overwhelmed by the response. I told a close friend and housemate how low I am and had a good chat with her, am feeling a bit more hopeful now. Have a counselling session this Thursday so hopefully things will be a bit better for me. Thanks again so much, there are no words to describe what your support means to me.
ReplyDeleteWe have all been where you are and I'm not going to say that is goes away completely...but the pain, shame, guilt, etc., at some point, does begin to subside.
ReplyDeleteFor this survivor, and I've been in therapy since 1998, whenever I think I have gotten to the top of the mountain, something happens that makes me stumble back down a few steps. However, I keep on the journey of healing and I can truly say that there have been more better days than bad ones.
Keep getting the feelings out in the open because that is when we truly feel the freedom from what happened to us...we are free to feel the pain and grieve for ourselves...free to un-silent ourselves and allow all the secrets that we were made to keep come to the surface.Speaking out removes the shackles of silence that have imprisoned us for so long. It is a new feeling that we never knew that we were allowed to have a voice.
You are stronger than you realize.
Glad you are getting counseling. You deserve better than you have received in this life. So now, reach out and take it. Please be easy on yourself. There are a lot of us supporting you right now. You are not alone anymore with this.
ReplyDeleteI am truly sorry for the pain you are experiencing...and for all that has happened to you. You are a survivor, but you also deserve to thrive in life - spending time with your friend does not make you a slut - it means you're a human being and you are alive and have feelings. Where there are feelings there is hope - it does take time to heal from this, but you can and at the pace that is right for you. Please visit www.survivingspirit.com for a listing of resources to help you - because you deserve it. take care, Mike - survivor/thriver www.mskinnermusic.com
ReplyDeleteFrom a Male Survivor point of view only, it's the only one I know. This was never about sex, or sexuality, or being a sexual person. This was about power. This about about physical strength. This was about his power, his ability to abuse you and assault you. This is not what you freely shared with your house-mate.
ReplyDeleteWhat was taken from you earlier was by force. You had no choice. Just like many others like us, you did not have a choice.
What you shared on the weekend was your choice as an adult. A free thinking, consequence appreciating adult. Please do not let what was done TO you be confused with what you have chosen to share of yourself with another adult of your own choosing.
Before, there was no issue of consent,for there was no consent. It was violence. What happened on the weekend was your execising free choice, and a giving of your most intimate, and private self that is nothing, NOTHING, to be ashamed of. For you are, like the rest of us, a human being.
PLease do not allow the lies and trickery of abuse to be confused with who YOU are, and whom YOU choose to be with. You, as an adult, are entitled to that choice. Please do not allow the deceit of sexual assault to taint who you are suposed to be. You, like those of us who have also suffered these unimaginable offences, deserve better.
With the very best wishes, Jim.
I'm SO glad you're still with us. Please consider contacting one of the numbers below:
ReplyDelete08457 90 90 90 in the UK and Northern Ireland
1850 60 90 90 in the Republic of Ireland
You are worth saving and you are worth living and you are worth surviving. You are worth it. It will get better. Living is the best way you can get back at this evil that was done to you...nothing related to the rape was your fault and you hold no responsibility. It doesn't make you anything horrible, it just makes you a precious human being, like we all are who is hurting... and feeling alone. You are not alone though. You are not alone and it is NOT your fault.
ReplyDeleteThere is hope. There is always hope. You deserve peace, unconditional love, and relief from suffering. You went through a trauma that millions of others have gone through and have not only survived, but THRIVED! The best thing you can do for yourself is get professional help. I IMPLORE you, PLEASE reach out to your local psychiatric crisis access center and just let them know what is going on with you right now!
ReplyDeleteThere is always hope and a chance for change. Don't be hard on yourself, you have been through alot and are still here. Not many could have gone through what you have. I have thought about ending my life many times and come really close....but there is soooo much to do and see and people to connect with. Don't be afraid to reach out...people are here for you. It does pass...LIVE...find things you want to do and see...you are not what was done to you.
ReplyDeletehang on,i too tried ending mine many times,but am still here ALIVE..being alive is enough NOW..inspite of what we lost..i journal..been many years struggling still,healing is very far for me but JUST LIVE AND BREATHE..who knows,a MIRACLE might happen and touch us someday..i journal anonymously..want to share..because it helps me alot dealing in my pains..
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dailystrength.org/people/315893
Ive tried to kill myself three times in my life.I've come to the conclusion that killing myself would only mean that THEY win, and I'm just gonna live now so that I can win.
ReplyDelete